What am I?

I remember that I once tried to write a song when I was a teenager. I just discovered the magic of music and words. I remember me sitting on my bed in my cozy orange room. It was in Almere, during high school. I even recorded it. But my lack of musical talent or the believe that I lacked musical talent, won. It has always been easier to list the things I am not good at. And it has always been easier to avoid the things that really matter. If you don’t have them, you can not loose them, right? I try to break this habit. It’s scary, but strangely while I’m doing it I feel calm. The panic comes afterwards.

When I think too much of all the possible disasters, I block.

When there are too many threats that can lead to a disaster, I hide.

And when hiding doesn’t work anymore, I run.

Until I don’t know where to run to. Then I try to disappear.

At this moment I’m hiding. I’m in phase two. I created a chaos of possibilities by giving myself the freedom I was longing for. Now these possibilities are confronting me with my insecurities. Possible disasters.

STOP. I don’t want to run. I have to go back to the things that matter.

What am I? Nothing seems to fit. What am I trying to be? Nothing seems to fit neither.

What do I want? What, if everything is possible, would I do? I don’t even dare to answer that.

But I do know a few things. And I notice that there are patterns. These patterns like the blocking-hiding-running-disappearing pattern, are useful. They are a source of information. Being aware of this can be annoying, but helpful. I have been here before. And one of the things I’ve learned from previous times, is that writing feels good. It helps me clear my mind and it is a way of expressing myself. Writing and sharing what I write is almost a therapy for me. With sharing comes the panic, but also the calmness. I feel calm, because I’m fighting. Fighting instead of running.

 

I am

not really perfect

but I am

who I am – 14 year old Eva


2 thoughts on “What am I?

  1. Vivien Reply

    Hi Eva -I think when you’re writing you’re not hiding, so maybe you’re already changing the pattern! Instead of wondering if ‘everything’ was possible think of ONE thing that is possible and do it – even if it is a small thing! Think of all those small steps you put together to get along the Dinaric alps but at any one moment it was just one small step!!

  2. KittyCat Reply

    Mooi Eva

Leave a Reply