I remember that I once tried to write a song when I was a teenager. I just discovered the magic of music and words. I remember me sitting on my bed in my cozy orange room. It was in Almere, during high school. I even recorded it. But my lack of musical talent or the believe that I lacked musical talent, won. It has always been easier to list the things I am not good at. And it has always been easier to avoid the things that really matter. If you don’t have them, you can not loose them, right? I try to break this habit. It’s scary, but strangely while I’m doing it I feel calm. The panic comes afterwards.
When I think too much of all the possible disasters, I block.
When there are too many threats that can lead to a disaster, I hide.
And when hiding doesn’t work anymore, I run.
Until I don’t know where to run to. Then I try to disappear.
At this moment I’m hiding. I’m in phase two. I created a chaos of possibilities by giving myself the freedom I was longing for. Now these possibilities are confronting me with my insecurities. Possible disasters.
STOP. I don’t want to run. I have to go back to the things that matter.
What am I? Nothing seems to fit. What am I trying to be? Nothing seems to fit neither.
What do I want? What, if everything is possible, would I do? I don’t even dare to answer that.
But I do know a few things. And I notice that there are patterns. These patterns like the blocking-hiding-running-disappearing pattern, are useful. They are a source of information. Being aware of this can be annoying, but helpful. I have been here before. And one of the things I’ve learned from previous times, is that writing feels good. It helps me clear my mind and it is a way of expressing myself. Writing and sharing what I write is almost a therapy for me. With sharing comes the panic, but also the calmness. I feel calm, because I’m fighting. Fighting instead of running.
not really perfect
but I am
who I am – 14 year old Eva